Updated: May 27, 2020
Waking up every morning and preparing for school was a painful exercise. I can still hear myself being negative, reminding myself of how ugly I was. The children at school would consistently reinforce these beliefs, and I gave them the room to do so. I lacked understanding about the power of self-talk.
I did all that I could to cover myself up while attempting to fit it. I wasn’t allowed to wear make up like all the other girls, so I covered with my clothing. I received a great deal of criticism based on my appearance; I began to believe it was all that mattered. Being a young teenage girl, it was all that mattered, so my Vitiligo became an issue.
I was shoved into lockers, had items thrown at me and was called every name in the vitiligo insult book. Having had lived a childhood of domestic violence, I was fragile. These times lead me to self-isolate, self-harm and bury my head in books.
I needed an outlet, fast. It was 2009 and I had been writing poetry since I could remember so I decided I would show my music teacher. Shortly after this, I had taken a few guitar lessons, teaching myself at home on the internet, and then performing an original at the school open day. This would be the first steppingstone into expressing myself and learning to love myself. It would take time, as from that day on, I used my musical abilities in an attempt to outshine my vitiligo; almost disguising it so no one would take notice.
I did this for many years to come. There were no vitiligo icons to inspire me, it felt as if it was me against the world. It has only been in the recent few years of my twenties, that I have become more conscious about the words I let into my life and those I say to myself. Now I find my self thinking, what I would tell my younger self? How would I guide her? What could I do to show her how beautiful she is and make her see her self worth?
The truth is, I can not change the past, nor do I want to. I am who I am because of the struggles I have endured. Eleven years on, I see the world in front of me; endless opportunities to be the person my younger self craved. All the beautiful things I can think of telling her; I do. I tell her every day. We must never forget that our younger self still lives within us, they still need love, and that they are us; our words matter.
Now I can be what I craved for myself as well as for anyone around me who shares my pain, love and laughter.
How do you bring peace to your past? What are some affirmations you tell yourself in order to heal the child within and grow in the present? Is there some ability/talent that you found, that has helped you along the way? I would love to know!